đź“ś By Quill & Candlelight: The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ September 24th, 1775 — Of Canoes, Congress, and Canadian Catastrophes
Ah, the week of September 24th, 1775 … a time when rebellion took to the rivers, and common sense was left ashore.
General Benedict Arnold, that ambitious lad with a fondness for dramatic gestures, has departed Cambridge with a thousand men and a dream: to conquer Quebec. His chosen route? Through the Maine wilderness. Yes, dear reader, the man has elected to invade Canada by canoe. Canoe! One might as well attempt to storm Versailles in a wheelbarrow.
By the 20th, they’d reached the Kennebec River, where their vessels—leaky, splintered, and seemingly carved by blind carpenters—begin to betray them. Provisions spoil, morale sinks, and the men are left paddling through despair and dysentery. I’ve seen better-planned picnics.
Meanwhile, Congress, in its infinite wisdom, has begun formalizing the Continental Army. Officers are appointed, ranks bestowed, and yet not a single uniform appears to match its wearer. It’s less a military and more a theatrical troupe with delusions of grandeur.
On the 22nd, British Governor Guy Carleton received word of Arnold’s soggy approach and began fortifying Quebec. At last, a gentleman’s defense! Walls, cannons, and none of this sock-stuffed nonsense.
And as if the week weren’t already brimming with nautical nonsense, Congress begins debating the formation of a navy. A navy! With what, pray tell? Canoes and conviction? Perhaps they’ll christen their flagship “The Soggy Patriot.” Ahahaha! Or perhaps the “HMS Wishful Thinking.”
Meanwhile in London, England – His Majesty King George III, having declared the colonies to be in open rebellion, is now engaged in the delicate art of speech-writing for the opening of Parliament. His Majesty is said to be rehearsing his speech to Parliament. I imagine it begins, “My loyal subjects… except you lot.” Sources close to the court suggest the tone will be less let “us reason together” and more “fetch me the Hessians.”
Meanwhile, the Ministry debates whether General Gage is the man to restore order in Boston, or whether a fresh face — namely General Howe — might do the trick. One suspects the decision will be made in the same spirit as changing the drummer in a regimental band: it will not alter the tune, but it may improve the timing.
In summary, the rebellion continues with all the elegance of a goose in a bonnet—loud, confused, and inexplicably determined.
Yours in bemused observation…
Ever encamped, occasionally enraged,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom
47th Regiment of Foot, Defender of Empire,
Critic of Canoe-Based Campaigns & Improvised Naval Fantasies
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