📜 By Quill & Candlelight: The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ August 6th, 1775 — New England, regrettably enthusiastic
“The colonial militias have taken to drilling with a fervor typically reserved for maypole dancing and unsolicited sermons. I observed one company practicing maneuvers in a field that was, by all appearances, also hosting a sheep convention. The sheep were better organized.”
“Having surreptitiously recovered several rebellious accoutrements, I can confirm their training manuals vary wildly. Some follow British discipline, others a local interpretation involving broomsticks and interpretive marching. One gentleman was witnessed attempted a bayonet charge and fell amongst a local farmer’s planting rows, impaling a pumpkin. The pumpkin did not survive, and presumedly the bayonet wielding gentleman was promptly given an officer’s commission.”
“They call themselves ‘Minute Men’—a title suggesting punctuality, though their formations arrive late and leave early. I suspect the name refers not to readiness, but to the average attention span during musket inspection.”
Ever encamped, occasionally enraged,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Defender of Empire, Critic of Colonial Coordination & Agricultural Warfare
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