Teamwork Is Beautiful
“The colonial Town Crier is a marvel of inefficiency— an enthusiastic man shouting yesterday’s news to people who already knew it, didn’t care, or were too drunk to notice. One wonders if the bell is to summon attention or simply to drown out the sound of his own irrelevance.”
📜 By Quill & Candlelight: The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ August 6th, 1775 — New England, regrettably enthusiastic
“The colonial militias have taken to drilling with a fervor typically reserved for maypole dancing and unsolicited sermons. I observed one company practicing maneuvers in a field that was, by all appearances, also hosting a sheep convention. The sheep were better organized.”
“Having surreptitiously recovered several rebellious accoutrements, I can confirm their training manuals vary wildly. Some follow British discipline, others a local interpretation involving broomsticks and interpretive marching. One gentleman was witnessed attempted a bayonet charge and fell amongst a local farmer’s planting rows, impaling a pumpkin. The pumpkin did not survive, and presumedly the bayonet wielding gentleman was promptly given an officer’s commission.”
“They call themselves ‘Minute Men’—a title suggesting punctuality, though their formations arrive late and leave early. I suspect the name refers not to readiness, but to the average attention span during musket inspection.”
Ever encamped, occasionally enraged,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Defender of Empire, Critic of Colonial Coordination & Agricultural Warfare
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📜 By Quill & Candlelight: The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ August 1st, 1775 — Virginia, regrettably biscuitless
Today, the Virginia Convention has resolved to boycott trade with Britain. Flour, wheat, tobacco—all withheld in a fit of economic rebellion. I daresay, if one must wage war, doing so with empty pantries and moral superiority is a uniquely colonial approach.
The town criers claim with all bluster and volume that this embargo is a stand for liberty?! I suspect it’s a clever excuse to avoid paying debts and to justify the consumption of the dullest of all pastries, the humble cornbread, indeed as a patriotic act. Their biscuits crumble with conviction, and if they do refuse to send biscuits, certainly there will be all out war.
Not well thought out, the plan is to grow grain, spin cloth, and become self-sufficient. Please! I’ve seen their looms. I’ve seen their sheep. I remain unconvinced, as do the sheep.
Ever encamped, occasionally enraged,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Defender of Empire, Critic of Colonial Cookery & Economic Improvisation
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📜 By Quill & Candlelight – The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ July 31st, 1775 — Maryland, regrettably entrepreneurial
Today, the Province of Maryland—never one to miss a chance for fiscal flamboyance—has begun printing its own currency! I held one such note in my hand. It promised value, liberty, and a vague sense of optimism. Much like a tavern menu written in Latin.
The bills feature allegorical scenes of Britannia, Liberty, and what I believe to be King George III attempting arson. It’s unclear whether this is symbolic or simply a critique of his domestic skills. Either way, the artistry is bold, the ink is damp, and the economic implications are somewhere between ‘ambitious’ and ‘adorably delusional.’
I am told the currency is backed by gunpowder and good intentions. Which is to say, it is backed by neither gold nor logic. Franklin would approve—he once tried to electrify a turkey. Now the colonies electrify commerce with leaf-printed parchment and revolutionary enthusiasm.
I weep for the pound.
Ever skeptical of fiscal improvisation,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Defender of Empire, Critic of Colonial Coinage & Illustrated Insolence
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📜 By Quill & Candlelight : The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ July 26th, 1775 — An Unsettling Postal Wind Blows
It is my solemn duty—and profound irritation—to report that Mr. Benjamin Franklin, self-styled sage and known collector of pseudonyms, has been appointed Postmaster General. The colonies, in their infinite wisdom and questionable sobriety, have seen fit to entrust the distribution of all communication to a man who once wrote as Mrs. Silence Dogood, Richard Saunders, and—if memory serves—a philosophical cat named Poor Richard. One wonders whether our letters will now be delivered in rhyming couplets.
His appointment guarantees two outcomes: first, that Mr. Franklin’s own newspaper shall henceforth arrive with alacrity and flourish; and second, that rival publications will be subject to the sort of delays typically reserved for French cavalry reinforcements. In effect, we have granted him dominion over both ink and horse.
I do recall Franklin once attempting to domesticate lightning with a key on a kite—an endeavor resulting in unnatural longevity and hairline retreat. I expect, by year’s end, he will publish under the pen name Postal Platypus, and the colonies shall thank him for it.
With growing distrust and dwindling wigs,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Unpaid critic of unwelcome correspondence
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📜 By Quill & Candlelight : The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ July 24th, 1775 — Somewhere regrettably colonial
“The Virginians, in a child-like fit of economic rebellion, have resolved to cease exporting flour and wheat to His Majesty’s territories! A bold move, considering their bread resembles sawdust and their flour is more suggestion than substance.”
“Militia drills continue today with quite admirable enthusiasm and … well, frankly a catastrophic execution. I witnessed a gentleman attempt a flanking maneuver against a local farmer’s chicken coop. The poultry were most unimpressed.”
“The latest word from London suggests our remarkable Cabinet is preparing to send 2,000 additional troops to these rebellious shores. Wonderful news, through I do heartily recommend our fine red-breasted men bring umbrellas, patience, and a tolerance for questionable stew”
Steadfastly unimpressed,
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Defender of Empire, Critic of Colonial Cookery & Coordination
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